Opening your hand

I once went to lunch with a dear friend of mine at Union during sophomore year. We were talking about how we hold so tightly onto OUR plans and ideas of how life should go. She told me an example that has stayed with me many years. She said "Kate, hold your fist out. Inside your fist you are holding desperately onto your idea of how your summer job will turn out. But Kate, God wants to hold your hand. He wants to take your plans and keep them in his while holding your hand. Kate, wouldn't it be better for God to hold your hand and your plans and you are secure in it all?" She then told me to open my hand. She asked me if I felt safe if what plans I have in my grasp are taken from God and are replaced would I be willing to trust God. I remember thinking, "how on earth will I be okay with that".

I'm happy to say 2 years later, I use that example to help remind me to trust God and He always proves himself faithful.

I have been grasping to a plan for after college like my life depended on it. And yesterday was the epitome of my inability to hold on any longer. I realized I had been grasping it tighter than I ever should have. And I cried. I cried to friends, family. And eventually I cried to God. I told him that if it means this isn't it, I'm ready for him to take it out of my hand and give me better plans. And I sat out on my porch last night listening to music. I notice a wood carpenter bee continually fight the porch light next door to keep warm. However, in its efforts, in its striving, He is being burned, harmed, and damaged. I then realized again that I have been that bee. Trying to keep comforted by my idea of life even if it harms me in doing so. And I again said to God if its time for him to take it, I will be better off.

Long story short, God is faithful. I got an email this morning that I have been worrying, stressing, striving for. God let me have my dream, my idea. BUT only after I  realized my actions and realized that He is King, I am and servant and this life is his to direct. It takes being willing to take on a life that you don't plan, giving it all up, for him to let you have a hearts desire.

Thank you, Lord. And I a desperately sorry. You humble me constantly. And thank you for not letting me get harmed more so from my own choices. You are faithful. You are constant. You are King and You own this body and life.

Thank you for the grace to realize it yet again.

Two things marked off!
- Drive up to IWU and visit Rachel in Indiana
I went to IWU last weekend and saw Rachel, Brittany, and Sarah! It was a great time away from Tennessee!
- Go to Pinson Mound Park
My friend and co-worker Leandra and I went to Pinson 2 weeks ago. It was interesting! Not the kinds of mounds in Ohio, kind of pathetic honestly. But it was pretty and they have a TON of paved walk ways that we plan on coming back again with our bikes to ride on!

So I am slowly working on my list of things to do before graduation!

And in 11 days I will be headed to Los Angeles to see Anna! Great things are heading my way! Plus I am officially applying for a job in Nicaragua! So lots to see if doors open or close.

Dedicated to a dear friend.

Rachel Heffern. Our phone call as priceless. And here is to you and me and our future awesome apartment and life in Denver before you get swept off your feet by a Mr. Tim T.

Here is to 2 weeks away from being re-united after almost 2 full years. Best friends, and I hope your boobs sag first.

Last 4 months

Today I consider adventures.
Here is my short list which I hope to grow. This list is things in the area that I wish to accomplish before I graduate. Here is how it looks so far...
- Explore Bolivar
- Explore the permanent fruit and veggie stand on Hollywood Drive
- Go have a drink and dance on Beale St.
- Ride the Amtrack train to New Orleans for a weekend of exploring my 49th state, then just need Hawaii
- Drive up to IWU and visit Rachel in Indiana
- Go explore Mud Island in Memphis
- Go to Pinson Mound Park
- Go to the winery in Humbolt
- Eat at Baudo's
- Explore more of Nashville (planned for March 12-14)

If you have any suggestions for this last 4 month treck in the state of TN, let me know. Cause doesn't look like life is keeping me here much longer.

So interesting

I know I already posted today, but I read this during lunch and find it fascinating!

I am still a year later trying to get through "Radical" by David Platt. I just always get interrupted and I am about half way through. I read today though, which is SO completely true, that as Christians, we are one of the only organizations on this planet that deems success by what we DON'T do. He is discussing it within the context of how we deem "good Christians". And that we rate ourselves by how we don't do certain things, like what is in the world. And I find this idea so compelling.

Shouldn't we be rating success on what we DO? I don't believe there is necessarily a right or wrong way to go about this idea. However, so arguments sake, I think that we, as Christians, should focus not on the
" I don't watch R rated movies" or "I don't have pre-marital sex" as or rating scale. But instead more so with "I let God have say in what movies I see or don't, determined by what the Spirit is leading" or "We go and have dinner once a month with a group of non-Christians and try and live out biblical lifestyles, to encourage discussion on what sets us apart". Trying to shift the focus from what we say is bad all the time, to focusing on what is good for us to do. I mean isn't it told to us to think and meditate on the good, righteous, holy.... I feel that by focusing on what we don't do, in fact makes us think about that thing we are avoiding. "I don't watch porn", well by saying that I feel that your mind and whoever your talking with then unintentionally imagines porn. While instead it should be a conversation on "I just watched Courageous" and open a door to discuss wholesome entertainment and why you choose to watch that, and see what questions come from your friend or colleague, etc.

Just a thought. Thanks Platt for planting that seed of thought.

Child Advocacy Center

Here I am second day of my new internship. I will work 424 hours here. I will graduate in 116 days. My roommate will be married a month after that. My dear friend from SVR will be married 10 days after my roommate. And I might be starting graduate school a month after that. Crazy how time moves so swiftly.

I am reminded here at the Child Advocacy Center of all the blessings God has poured into my life.

I was not raised in an abusing home.
I have not been assaulted in ways that these children have.
I have been told "I love you" for 21 years and counting.
I have a life that is full of promise.

Now I sit reading police reports and details of awful sin that many wish not to think about. However, I realize in hearing these stories, the great mercy that comes form my Father. He looks at me and says I was worth His son dying, and that if I am worth it, even these perpetrators are worth it. That's a hard thing to swallow, but it is truth. And today, I am reminded that grace is not for the clean, put together individuals. It is for the dirty. It is for the gross. Because in reality, we are all that, just some cover it up better than others.

Here is to another day filled with His unconditional mercy.

6 moths later...

I have no idea is anyone even reads this blog. But sometimes I find it extremely therapeutic, therefore I keep writing. Since this summer I have had an internship with homicide loss survivors. I continued my work with International Justice Mission and my job with the International and Intercultural Department. Now I have applied to 3 graduate schools and will find out starting in about a month on whether or not that is the path that my life is taking. I have my own apartment now off campus. I will graduate in 4 months! And I will either be working with children that have suffered sexual or physical abuse and be their court advocate, or doing a residential drug and alcohol addiction center for teen boys. Both sound amazing! So now its just to nail down which one I want to do. So that is my 6 month update.

Today I went to my high school and visited the Jamaica Team, the same team I helped lead a year ago. This trip was influential in changing my life. It will always have a place in my heart! It almost feels like another home. I would love to one day work there long term. I love the mountains of Jamaica and the deaf kids at CCCD.  My thoughts are now on kids that I met there struggling with such real life issues yet not being given a voice to change. I have a friend there that is gay and is struggling to know why God would make him this way to be put in a school of people who don't accept him. I have known him now for close to 4 years and he is such a sweet boy. We have had many conversations about his sexual orientation and my view of this predicament. I have another friend who is there and struggles with being a single girl and holding to her Christian standards in life when she feels so alone in the deaf village surrounded by married women and being one of the only single women there.

And both of these friends are people that I wish I could live in community with. There are days I just want to sell all that I own, drop out of college, and fly there and live in community. But I know that is now where God is leading me right now. I love to think that my future will hold that sometime. Now its just to hold them in prayer and the teams that go there still and minister to them. So those of you reading, please read aloud these names and just ask that God move through them and utilize them in encouraging these sisters and brothers in Christ that are dealing with a different kind of struggle and persecution. John, Alex, Jonathan, Luke, Andrew, Nick, Daniel, Sandy, Maria, Hannah, Kaitlyn, Morgan, Casey, Rebecca, Kim, Nancy, Linnay, and Mark.

Working to support the ministry. Working to be the ministry. Working to trust. Working to love. Working to selflessness.

My friend of four years, L.

Jamaican Sunrise